19 Ways To Annoy People

1. Give your wife an ultra-romantic 10th anniversary card on your 9th anniversary.

2. When a waiter asks you, "How would you like your steak cooked?" answer, "Yes."

3. Wear one of those digital sports watches that beeps every fifteen minutes.

4. Pull up to an ATM as unprepared as possible. Wait for a car to pull up behind you. Fumble for a pen, scratch your head, slowly fill out a deposit envelope. Having made sure your car is not close enough to the machine, open the car door and awkwardly insert your ATM card. Make several attempts to enter your PIN. Abort your transaction in frustration and pull away, but not quite far enough for the car behind you to reach the ATM.

5. Buy a newspaper at a busy convenience store with a credit card.

6. Never let the other person have the last word in an email exchange.

7. Eagerly volunteer to go grocery shopping for your wife. Make sure everything you buy is just a little bit off: get tuna in oil instead of in water; whole grain bread instead of 7-grain; 2% instead of skim milk; low-carb salad dressing instead of fat-free. (As a side benefit, you will never be sent to the grocery store again.)

8. When your indignant 13 year-old daughter says, "SO??" you sing, "A needle pulling thread."

9. Go three days without brushing your teeth before your dentist appointment.

10. At the McDonald's drive-through window, ask if the french fries are organic.

11. When the restaurant hostess asks, "What's your smoking preference?" answer, "Menthol."

12. Work the 1986 Chicago Bears Super Bowl team into every conversation.

13. Be a teenager.

14. Ask your butcher if the calves' liver is organic.

15. Suppose your name is "Brad". Every time somebody says "I'm tired" or "I'm bored" or "I'm whatever", you say, "I'm Brad! Nice to meet you." (The key to this technique is repetition. You must execute at every opportunity. The first couple times might be mildly amusing, but the next 11,000 times it'll be a slam-dunk annoyance.)

16. When your spouse turns fifty, blindfold him/her, get in the car, and drive to your surprise destination. When you arrive, get out of the car, remove the blindfold and reveal the gift: side-by-side burial plots.

17. Bring a case of Budweiser to a French restaurant and ask what the corkage fee is. Alternatively, bring a box of wine and ask how much for a utility knife.

18. Begin every other sentence with the phrase, "Quite frankly".

and if all else fails,

19. Attempt to get through airport security in a suit of armor.